Hello Old Friend

I feel like I’ve taken to coming here just to write things that I do’nt want my friends to see. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, even though they probably should be. I’m not drinking anymore which has been a real boon to my logical mind. I can see things very clearly now and I think the scariest thing is that even in the clarity of sobriety and depression medication, I am still sort of staring death in the face and saying “yeah i’m fine with this.” I’m not suicidal anymore, I definitely don’t have the ideation or the drive to make that permanent final end, but I have certainly in the past few months been drained of any interest in a long-term plan. The long term plan is this: keep writing these songs until I die. Seems to be about the only thing I’m good at and the people around me seem to like the songs.s They hurt me to make sometimes. But who cares. CLOUT lives forever. It doesn’t that’s just a joke.

My band broke up. Not this band obviously, but another band I played bass for. It’s sad because it was like a year of work and now it’s just torn to shreds. Truth be told I could have probably handled it better. I still have anger issues. I still want petty revenges. I still want all these very base human things that I should be beyond. But I’m not. And I think it was just a messy situation. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Instead I had to go nuclear. I don’t really feel comfortable writing about it yet, but if those guys ever see this, I guess I would say that I’m sorry for how extreme I went. I tend to go Ulysses S Grant on the battlefield and it’s hard for me to abate that.

Everything else has just been a general numbness of terrible. I signed a vow of celibacy 3 months ago and now that I am in the deepest trenches of not dating, I just really miss flirting with girls and making out and stuff. I don’t know why I’m typing this. I thought I had something important to come in here and say more so than “i’m mean and horny”. everybody knows I”m mean an horny, they’ve heard the songs.